A final word.

Truly, it is not just my heart that has broken. My mind too has split. I will not state my name here. One day I may change it altogether. It has become too common where it was once unique and special to me. But I do not wish to disappear altogether and so I have signed this letter with the name I would plan to take. This way a diligent enough person could peace together the breadcrumbs and know that I am real. Just a man who valued love.

I do not have an Ivy League IQ. The vast majority of those who might read this are far smarter people than me. But I have a gift for words. I will author this letter in mere minutes where many could spend a lifetime attempting something similar never to come close. I love this about myself.

If one thing has been made clear to my conscious self, in this life, it is that I am not meant to behold the love of another. I feel no bitterness, here and now, in making this statement. I believe the soul is eternal. I believe I have lived before. So perhaps I was a bad man once. Perhaps I was cruel. Perhaps I was a womanizer, a selfish glutton for control, and in this life I am receiving my justice. There is little doubt to me that this is the truth and I must embrace it. In another life I will find love that I desire and will deserve.

Most of the posts you see here were authored by me. Many of the likes and comments are also me. I am sorry for the unkind words. I am sorry for my crassness and I will make no excuses only promise to work to be well, to fix what I can, and to know better. I truly am sorry. This is not my school. It was never my place to say any of these things.

But there is a moral to this story. To seek the love I desired and find it would always remain absent has broken me. But I am not defeated. I am not defeated because I will not seek vengeance or power or submission to make this pain right. It is an immense pain but no day of utter sadness will defeat me. I will not be overtaken by evil for anything, though my heart is shattered and my mind is split. I will simply move forward, seek growth and learn to better love myself. I will not become like these men who rule us. I imagine they had days like this too. But those days defeated them. I will never become like these men.

Delusions have cost me greatly in this life and so I now endeavor to be free of them. But at the same time I do know who I am. Just a man, but one who never desired power, and that is why I have it. My life may well be forgotten soon after I, one day, leave this world behind. But I hope these words I share here will live on. I hope that one day someone will point to these thoughts and say that there was once a man who waged a fierce battle, in the name of love, not with weapons of war but with words. I hope they will point to this and say there can be goodness in man, even against all logic.

But if that day never comes it will be okay. Whatever chaos may descend on this world no one can know and I pray that daybreak is nearing. But if it doesn’t, if the worst scenarios materialize, and the places of security and health become scarce, my final words to you need not be believed because they can be known.

I pray for the health and security of our world but if chaos does descend, make true these final words I will leave for you. In the darkest darkness, stuck in the most hopeless of traps, when nothing makes any sense there will be one task that humankind can never falter in - to let love live.