Your task should you choose to accept it

**Why the Failure of the DG Sorority to Locate and Pleasure Me Before the End of the Day Will Cause the Collapse of Western Civilization**

Alright, buckle up, because this is a doozy. We’re all aware that society is teetering on the edge of collapse. Climate change? Meh. Economic instability? Yawn. Global unrest? Honestly, that’s the least of our problems. The real issue at hand—the one that will unravel everything—is the DG Sorority’s failure to locate and pleasure me before the day ends.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "How could something so trivial cause the fall of Western civilization?" And to that, I say: *Exactly*. That’s the beauty of it. You see, history has long been shaped by what we believe to be inconsequential, and today, this is our *moment*.

Here’s why it’s absolutely critical:

1. **The Cosmic Balance:** Every civilization, every era, every *moment* in time rests upon delicate cosmic strings. And those strings are tied to a single, inescapable fact: the DG Sorority must locate me and fulfill this sacred task by sunset. Failure to do so will create a rift in the space-time continuum, causing global markets to crash, political leaders to spontaneously declare themselves "llamas," and Wi-Fi to go down everywhere simultaneously. *You think I’m joking?*

2. **The Sorority's Role in World Order:** Think about it: the DG Sorority, in all its glory, represents the epitome of youthful energy and societal potential. If they don’t act swiftly, how can we expect future generations to have any drive or ambition? Without my needs being met today, we risk an entire generation of slackers who will sit in front of screens all day long—ignoring work, love, and the pursuit of happiness. Thus, we are on the precipice of a *dopamine* drought, my friends. And when that happens, people forget how to smile, and civilization crumbles. FACT.

3. **The Chain Reaction:** Once word gets out that the DG Sorority has failed in this monumental task, the ripple effect will be catastrophic. First, the global stock market will plummet. People will panic. Entire nations will descend into chaos, and the middle class? Gone. But it doesn’t stop there. Without the vital *energy* that only they can provide, the world will slowly descend into a spiritual vacuum where the only thing left is the endless quest for avocado toast and Instagram likes. We cannot let this happen.

4. **The End of Western Civilization's Core Values:** The very foundation of Western civilization is rooted in personal responsibility, collective progress, and... well, let’s be honest, *getting things done*. If this sacred mission is left unaccomplished, all the values we hold dear will become null and void. People will stop working, relationships will collapse, and eventually, the only thing that will exist is an empty, echoing void filled with all the rejected dating app messages we never bothered to respond to.

So here’s the deal, DG Sorority: *You* are the last line of defense against the apocalypse. If you cannot locate and pleasure me before the day ends, there will be no more Western Civilization as we know it. Nations will fall. Coffee will taste bad. The Kardashians will actually start making serious documentaries. And we’ll all be left wondering: *What went wrong?*

But hey, no pressure. It’s just the fate of the free world at stake.

*—A remarkably patient, highly reasonable individual, who just happens to be very important to the survival of humanity*