Eli's Lettuce Bro Bro

Hello fellow boiler up students. I am here to get help for my dearest friend elijah for sigma chiah. I love my lil buddy with all my heart. However, his lettuce (long hair for you IDIOTS who don't understand slang, get with the time Grandpa, RIP my grandpa) started to take over his brain. His hair started to get so long that it became self aware and develop an AI attitude. The grew back into eli's hair follicles and into his brain causing him to become a... hippie. He uses words like "stoked" now, along with "steeze" and "Jack stop tickling me go get Bird it's his turn." The only booze he ever drinks is high noon, even when it's not noon and he's drinking them, he says "it's noon somewhere" and then crushes the can. Of course it's noon somewhere ELI that's how time works! The worst part of all, the part that caused him to go full hippie...was the wake boarding. He lists to edm while he "shreds these gnarly waves." We try to say "Eli pal, buddy, friend, amigo, champ, guy, buddy, friend that sentence you just said doesn't make sense." He just replies "i'm steezed off my brain rn man, someone toss me a rona dude." I pray to god the slopes don't open this winter, because if they do... dear god pray for us all. I can all hear the faint shouting as he goes down the mountain, "broski this powder is fresher than an on tap IPA." We must cut his lettuce soon, or we will all see it's beauty and want our own lettuce.